A question for you computer repair people and builders: How long does it take you to fit a stick of RAM? 2 minutes? Less than that?

My web-hosts; fasthosts.co.uk, probably the slowest hosts in the known universe, must hold the record for the longest time ever taken to fit a stick of RAM, with the assistance of some red tape: -

(Actual times are approximate and recalled from memory to the best of my ability.)

Monday 14th September 2009 – Day 1

After a weekend of repeated sudden server crashes I hire an engineer at fasthosts.co.uk – my web-hosting company – to look into the matter and try and sort it out. He reports back that my blog is overtaxing the server with its current resources, and says that although he has managed to suppress the Apache’ server’s processes somewhat, he recommends that I either reduce the complexity of the blog, or have the server upgraded.

My experience with servers, prior to hiring this dedicated Linux server, is nil. My experience with Ubuntu Linux prior to hiring this Ubuntu Linux server is not a lot to say the least.

As a Fasthosts customer; a Google for “fasthosts are crap” will terrify you more than the first time you watched the film “The Evil Dead” as a teenager back in the 1980s, and then walked home alone across a dark deserted heathland in the early hours of the morning straight afterwards. (– Yes, I did exactly that, and ruined a pair of knickers doing it.)

Monday 14th September 2009 – Day 1 22:00 HRS: 

Having given the engineer’s report a lot of thought, combined with my own findings, I decide to have the server upgraded. Having just shelled out one hell of a lot for the engineer’s fee, I contact Fasthosts, and  as I arrange to have the server’s RAM upgraded I am told that the fee for doing so is more than it would cost me to buy 3GB of DDR2 1200MHz.

The upgrade is seemingly a necessity, and is agreed upon anyway eventually after negotiations. I am told that the job is queued.

Tuesday 15th September 2009 – Day 2 11:39 HRS:

I notice that the server has crashed again. I reboot the server from my remote control panel and phone Fasthosts to enquire when the RAM upgrade is scheduled for. Their answer is vague; only that it is queued and will be carried out ASAP.

Wednesday 16th September 2009 – Day 3: Time relative

An uneventful day as such, where the server behaves itself and doesn’t crash. Visitor numbers are back to normal due to the absence of downtime. I notice that the RAM upgrade still hasn’t been carried out, and so I chase it up. I am informed that the matter has been referred to a manager to give final approval to the result of the earlier negotiations over the exorbitant cost of the operation. I am told that it’s almost a certainty that this will be approved; though I feel a little uncertainty due to this extra unexpected piece of red tape.

Thursday 17th September 2009 – Day 4: Time unspecified.

Another server crash in the early morning goes unnoticed by myself until around 14:00 hours. I reboot the server and once again phone Fasthosts; who assure me that the upgrade operation has been given the green light and is queued. I phone again at around 18:00 HRS: The result of this call being that the upgrade itself is scheduled by negotiation between myself and their dedicated server support representative to take place at 23:00HRS BST, and should take no more than 1/2 hour. I write a post informing my readers of this and publish it.

Thursday 17th September 2009 – Day 4 22:21HRS:

The server goes offline while I am uploading files. I am unable to gain access to the controls to reboot. I phone Fasthosts asking if they have started the upgrade operation early. I am told that the Ubuntu server went into a kernel panic and that everything has now been restored.

I begin to monitor the server, expecting to be taken offline, as agreed, for the upgrade to take place at 23:00HRS. This doesn’t happen.

Thursday 17th September 2009 – Day 4 23:55HRS:

I phone Fasthosts and ask why the schedule has not been kept to. I am informed that the engineer is behind schedule as he had to do unexpected maintenance on some of the shared-platform servers. I am assured that my server will be taken offline and the upgrade carried out within the next 15 minutes.

Friday 18th September 2009 – Day 5 00:36 HRS:

The server; which I am monitoring at 5-second intervals using a FireFox add-on which refreshes the page automatically, is taken offline, the upgrade performed, the server reconnected and rebooted. An email arrives almost instantly confirming this; along with another from around 18:00HRS asking me to confirm that I am willing to accept the extra server-hire charges incurred due to the increased amount of RAM, which I’ve already agreed anyway.

British business – the leading force of the economy: Part of the reason the UK is in billions of dollars of debt.