Beyond

Today, after a week of iPhone battery jokes and chidings aimed at a certain iPhone user I know online, whose iPhone battery died very quickly on Monday last, I thought it an idea to have a look into the topic of iPhone batteries a bit more deeply with a little research. A quick Google search revealed 16,300,000 results for iPhone batteries. Quite obviously I wasn’t intending to read them all, and as it happened the first one that I clicked on inspired me to write this blog entry:

The following was what I found at http://www.apple.com/uk/support/iphone/service/battery/ : Basically it describes Apple’s method of further ripping off the customer post purchase in the event that their battery becomes useless and fails to retain its charge. (I wonder exactly how long that will be? Has anyone actually reached this point already? If so then do please feel free to comment. - Otherwise do feel free to comment anyway.)

The page in question is officially entitled “iPhone Out-of-Warranty Battery Replacement Program Frequently Asked Questions” and begins with the question “What is the iPhone Battery Replacement Program?”

Many iPhone users will be glad to know that there is an official battery-replacement program - Until they hear the cost of it. The article says:

“If your iPhone requires service only because the battery’s ability to hold an electrical charge has diminished, Apple Technical Support will replace your battery for a service fee. Be sure to follow these instructions for optimizing life span and battery life before submitting your iPhone for battery replacement. “

The instructions in question say; in a most roundabout and lengthy manner, that the more use you give your iPhone the less time your battery will remain charged: That’s quite logical I suppose. The catch is, as with all rechargeable batteries, the more you recharge the batteries the less you’ll get out of them: Fair comment. It then goes into great detail about ways of not using your iPhone so that the battery’s charge lasts longer. (Following which it instructs you to “Use your iPhone regularly”.) I find it rather strange that Apple made a product that is to be used as little as possible; but as we’ll note later, this is a caveat for the process of charging you a fortune to replace a dead battery. “Jobsweh(1)“, the god of all things Apple, is a greedy and profitmongering god who likes to milk his people for every dime that they posses after they sell themselves into bondage with him by buying one of his products.

The article continues:

“How can I set up my iPhone for the Battery Replacement Program?”

“You can take your iPhone to your carrier. You can also contact Apple Technical Support or take your iPhone to an Apple Retail Store.”

Yippee-doo; thank you Apple for being so helpful. Now here’s the sting in the tail:

“How much does it cost to participate in the program?”

“The program cost is £ 55 (includes VAT), plus £ 7.29 shipping and handling, includes VAT. All fees are in Euros. Service may not be available if your iPhone has been damaged due to accident or abuse. Please review Apple’s Repair Terms and Conditions for further details.”

EH?! Fifty-five quid to replace a f—ing battery! That’s over $100 USD; and only “if your iPhone has [not] been damaged due to accident or abuse.” - Accident such as the case accidentally disintegrating perhaps? Abuse such as allowing the case to disintegrate in the first place?

Moving on:

“How long will service take?”

“Service through Apple Technical Support normally takes one week (five business days) from the date the unit is shipped to us. Time may vary if it is done through your carrier or an Apple Retail Store.”

Oh the geeks are gonna love that! A whole week PLUS shipping time without the iPhone: $100USD+ to be without your iPhone for 2 weeks; maybe more? Apple are the biggest con out there today - And people moan about Microsoft! - Er, reality check: Wake up!

This may be the answer you’re looking for:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=XlkKQoUlOQg

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1. Credit to DedRyzing ( http://twofourtech.com/ ) for naming the divinity of Steve Jobs.